“Looking for love is hell. Everyone’s been there. It’s only when you stop looking for love, and you start being a more loving person, that you find love.” – Robert Holden (Loveability)
Back in December of 2015, I picked up the book Loveability by Robert Holden. I read it while traveling in magical Tulum (where I do my Yoga & Dance Retreats).
Sure I’m a positive person. An optimist. Happy. However, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled. I struggled in my relationship with my body, food, men, and money.
I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. To feel sexy, strong, and confident. I wanted a deep meaningful relationship with a man. A true romantic life partner. I wanted my bank account to be full with dollar signs. A real sense of financial freedom and symbol of my success.
While sunbathing on the beach in Tulum, I met a Mayan astrologer. He was an eccentric character walking around like a nomadic gypsy wearing a large tourist Mexican sombrero. He approached my friend and I offering to give us a reading for a donation.
“Why Not.” – I went for it. Seems like one of those things you do in a place like Tulum.
He told me that my purpose was to travel and that I was a sun sign. My greatest gift is to love unconditionally. That my darkness is judgment.
Was it a coincidence that I picked up the book Loveability? I couldn’t also help but think of the poem I just read by Rumi:
“Even after all this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,
‘You owe me.’
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.”
It’s what I learned in Loveability to be UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
In the past, my friends had called me out. “Deirdra, you’re so judgmental.” I didn’t realize it at the time. However, I kept my distance around certain people. I guess I always thought I was protecting myself. I had standards and expectations.
What I realized from that whole experience is that I was only loving myself and others based on conditions. I only loved myself when I ate healthy, weighed 125 pounds, made a certain amount of money, or got attention from men. It was the IDEA of being perfect when it came to food, my body, men, and money.
The rest of the time I was judging myself. Which was MOST of the time.
I was projecting these conditions for love to everyone around me. It became acceptable to settle for crumbles. Men not committing for whatever excuse. Unable to ask the full price for my services. Starving myself on some trendy diet.
Eventually, I lost myself.
My whole life I was chasing or escaping. If I wasn’t chasing a certain body image, romantic partner, or career, then I was escaping with food, casual sex, and mindless spending.
The thought of not chasing or escaping was terrifying. What would happen if I let go?
Let’s be real. After so many years of judging yourself, it’s not easy or comfortable to let yourself just BE!
Loveability made me curious.
Maybe I’m doing this all wrong. I mean, I’ve been judging and chasing all my life. I have not only suffered in the process, but haven’t achieved the fulfillment I truly desired.
So I committed to 60 days of Unconditional Self Love & Yoga. Stop Judging and Start Loving……unconditionally. It radically changed my life.
Because judging put conditions on love, I limited myself and my relationships. It was a form of imprisonment.
What changed first was my relationship with food and my body. Because I wasn’t allowed to judge myself, I paused every time before I ate. “Do I really want this? If yes, I have to enjoy it. No beating myself up about it afterward.”
I stopped stressing about what I ate and what my body looked like. I made better choices. I learned I could trust myself. Sometimes I ate chips but most of the time I ate veggies.
Yoga helped me learn how to listen to my body. It strengthened me from the inside out. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin.
I was beginning to understand what self-love really was and the power it provides. It was true intimacy. A deep connection with myself in complete acceptance and compassion. I realized……I am love. I didn’t have to work for it. I simply was love and could therefore give myself the love I’ve always wanted.
I am my life’s partner.
I detached from the chase of finding love. The fear of being alone and undesired. The love I desired was already within me. I only had to express it unconditionally to feel it.
About 7 months later, on our way to Burning Man, my best friend gave me a great gift….a challenge. “Deirdra.” he said, “Your challenge at Burning Man is to not get attached to anyone.” Yikes. Anytime a guy even talked to me, I automatically wanted him to be my boyfriend. I shared how nervous I was about it, but I accepted the challenge. “Just be yourself and have fun.” Everyone in the car said.
Again, it was like a tremendous amount of pressure removed. For some reason, I had to wait for someone to give me permission to let go. So, I let myself have fun. Turns out letting myself be who I am naturally IS attractive. I ended up meeting my boyfriend there. He’s a sweetheart and I couldn’t be happier.
The pattern here is that when you detach from perfection and judgment, you open up to love. You value yourself in your entirety.
If we put conditions on ourselves, with judgment, we devalue ourselves. We become unworthy of having the love, money, or body we want because at our core we don’t feel we deserve it.
Imagine, how many times throughout the day thoughts of criticism, stress, judgment, conditions, frustration, and fear cloud your thought process? It’s a constant battle and it’s exhausting……
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” – Buddha
I’ve learned from experience how real this is. When we have loving thoughts and actions, we create more love in our lives.
Detachment allows faith to step in. We then have the freedom to expand of our love…..Unconditionally. Freedom. Flow.
Stop chasing and start embodying love. Become highly attractive by detaching from fear and judgment. No one likes a “Debbie Downer.” Unconditional self-love and radical self-care are foundation to ultimate fulfillment.
It’s a daily practice. I teach this in my 12 Week Transformation Program. This is a stress free and uplifting approach to sustainable health and happiness. This current class is full. Message me to get on the wait list to be notified when the next session opens. firstname.lastname@example.org